Are you ready for a deep mental tour? Let me pour out some of what’s on my mind…
Sometimes I get really sick of life. I feel suffocated by the boredom, stunted by exhaustion. I’d say the best times when I felt alive I was at school. It wasn’t just the activity of being at school, but rather the constant re-affirmation that the world is large …much larger than me, and that there is plenty of time to hunt down every corner of it that I please.
After I graduated from college (which took me a while; I was persistent in my denial of “growing up”), I tried to retain a lot of that curiosity about the world and the self-entertainment that I can provide myself by just being interested. Willfully passionate, shall we say it? But every once in a while, I just ran out of steam. I got fed up with my ‘condition’ and my current state of life. Then other times I found a re-ignition of perspective, sometimes spurned by shifting my circumstances (i.e. location or job), or finding a new hobby.
In Afghanistan, the curse of exhaustion comes quick. This is not a place where you would expect to stay, for long. Man, almost every day I wake up and look in the mirror only to find new wrinkles on my face…and that same creeping feeling that I’m just really tired. However, once in a while, given that good day at work or that interesting conversation with a friend here…I’ll once again find new meaning and something to keep myself interested in my environment and my life here. It’s strange. Very strange.
I think part of the roller-coasterness of this trip is that I’ve intentionally placed myself into a moment where my perspective quickly broadens, while gaining a maturity that’s more than what I want. I came to Afghanistan originally with some questions that I couldn’t answer. They were mainly abstract questions about how i fit in here. But, like many other realizations in life, it’s just a matter of time before some insights are won. My personal realizations parallel those that I come to understand, for example, with some of the books on my shelf.
As a curious person, I frequently collect books on unfamiliar topics to learn and to probe. All too frequently, I get books that I realize I’m way too immature for, so I leave them on the shelf. Like growing up with hand-me-down clothes, I eventually mature to the point where I understand what’s going on and can once again approach those old gray books. It’s like gaining a taste for whiskey, or even better yet, milk. At some point, you just get it. Sometimes it requires some personal event to trigger a realization, sometimes it takes a global crisis. Take, for example, that Barry Eichengreen book on Capital Flows and Crises that I got 3 years ago. I had no idea how to gestate the ideas in that thing in 2006, although I knew a bit about financial crises here and there. But now…man NOW. We’re in the middle of a crisis, and even though Eichengreen writes about historical events over a century ago, I GET what he’s talking about.
So that’s a little like my personal bit. Sometimes it takes a global event, sometimes just the right turn in the morning to give me that edge. That, I would say, makes the nicer kind of discoveries to keep me interested.