Not that kind of lottery, although I’ve been trying to win. This post is actually about my girlfriend, and how these days I feel really lucky to have her in my life.
I miss her. My girlfriend is back in LA this week, as this is the beginning of her graduate program in nursing at UCLA. Technically it’s not really UCLA, she’s just taking some pre-req at SCROC, the notorious trade school in Torrance, California. Victoria and I have been anticipating her move down to LA for a few months now, and I’ve been arguing that this will be a good growing experience for both of us, being apart (but still being together).
Hmm. It’s always hard getting the timing on these self-taken pictures.
This time, our distance will be a result of her decision to pursue her academic goals (as opposed to the other times when I’ve worked or studied abroad). But I’m proud of her. She got into one of the best graduate schools in the country for Nursing. I actually find it encouraging and inspiring for myself to go after grad school too. I tell her this stuff all the time but I don’t know if she ever listens. Maybe if she reads it here she’ll acknowledge.
Well, the sad thing is that Victoria’s grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago, and she was just in LA last week for his funeral. Victoria and her grandfather were really close, and it’s hard to see her agonize herself over the past and what it could have been like (or what she could have done) to be with her grandfather before his unexpected passing. However, the strange thing, from my point of view, is that something else has come about Victoria and the way she’s understands and lives life these days. OK, maybe it’s not so surprising. Those of you who have lost someone close to you probably know what I’m talking about.
When I picked up Victoria last week, she was really sad. It was a chilly night in San Francisco, and it was hard for her to hold back her tears in the shadowy passenger seat of my Jeep. She didn’t have much to say except for the descriptions of the disorganized funeral and how much she missed her grandpa. She did mention something unusual though. She said that her grandma visited the psychic after her grandfather died, and the psychic foreshadowed that everyone in the family should buy lottery tickets, because her grandpa was gonna hook it up FAT with the lucky numbers…
Wait! You’re not supposed to fall asleep! Guess that shows you how much she’s interested in this…
These days it seems that Victoria has a higher sense of passion about life. It seems like the small things (as well as the big things) have given her some kind of fresh whiff of life. It seems like she lives day to day trying to understand what happened to grand-daddy, but I think what she’s realizing is herself. And that happens usually when someone around you dies. A lot of self-reflection happens. But these days Victoria’s on the move…literally. This is her second time in LA in 2 weeks, and she’s flying back up to Berkeley this Thursday, to yet again move her stuff down to LA for a final push…and then continue her nursing pre-req class (before the actual UCLA quarter starts).
For me, I’ve been on the move too. I feel uprooted, been kicked out of my house because my ol’ Chinese landlord is coming back from China with his new wife and doesn’t want to be bothered by roomates. That’s OK, good thing my godsister Liz is hookin it up with her old apartment in the Fillmore District in San Francisco. But anyway, that’s my story, I’ll leave that for another time.
As for Victoria…and my relationship with her, I feel like something changed since she came back from LA last week. Her habit of living now seems somehow to be a deliberate choice for life. Whereas before in our relationship it felt like she was holding on to something it now feels like she’s grabbing on with both hands (and her dextrous ape-like toes…have you seen her mutant toes? those things are like fingers but on her feet! [JK, love you babe]). So anyway, yes. grabbing with both hands. I can see it in her eyes, and I feel it too. I feel it in my heart when I look at her and I feel it in my head when I know I’m going to see her….yes, like a morning head full of cocaine. Just kidding. I have no idea what a morning head full of cocaine feels like. But the point is…I’m happy to be with my girlfriend these days, and I’m sad that she’s leaving. But I know our times together in the future will be even better.
…so to end this story… Victoria was skeptical about the lottery ticket. However, I thought this was a great opportunity to at least try to win the big one. I’ve actually been trying for the past year to date (YTD), and apparently my luck is no good (neither is my sense of statistics apparently). But anyway, on our way back to the airport this Saturday I convinced Victoria to get a ticket just to see what would happen….
As you might have guessed, the odds were against us again. And I believe nobody in the family won. But to me, I stil feel lucky. Somehow…somehow it feels like Victoria’s grandpa is still with us. (Maybe I’ve watched to much Star Wars lately and the re-communion technique with Obi-wan and Kwaigon), but it’s like spirit is hookin it up and he’s happy for us. I know it’s sappy but to me, good luck or not, but it feels like I’ve already won the lottery…because when I look at Victoria or I reach for her hand, it’s like I’ve already won…
Arg, just can’t get the picture right. Do I blame the camera or the user of the camera?
-Oh shit, my fish sticks are burning in the oven…alright enough self-absorbed sentimentalism for now.
